So yes, I go down into town for milk, and yes I make the habitual mistake of turning on NPR for a general news show.
This conversation ensued.
I’ll put their words in refined italics, because they are the sophisticates.
My reactions will be in caps, because yes, I was mostly screaming them.
***
Much has been made of this climate change thing you know. Some of those scientists even say things could get pretty un-pretty after a while, unless an effort is made in the direction of zero carbon. But is a zero carbon global society an achievable goal?
YEAH.
IF YOU HAVE THE WILL, WHICH YOU DON’T. JUST LIKE WITH FREE COMMUNITY COLLEGE, WHICH IS JUST SO UN-POSSIBLE ACCORDING TO THE PUPPETS IN DC, BECAUSE WE NEED 300 MILITARY BASES INSTEAD.
Reporter Spanky Josh McWorthington has been investigating for us. Spanky welcome to All Things Middlebrow.
–Thanks Ari (YOU DEPENDABLY USEFUL IDIOT). Great to be back.
So what did your thorough reporting show? Is it truly un-possible, or just not going to happen?
–Well Ari (Y.D.U.I), some of the scienters we talked to say that unless we reach zero carbon by, oh, 2050, we might find ourselves in a bit of a jimmy-jam-jam, to put it colloquially.
Oh dear. What does that mean, jimmyjam? Specifically. Not to put you on the spot … But in practical terms …
–Heh heh. Well there might be more, uh, hurricanes, you know … maybe a few more of those refugees, their kids dying like cattle in pens, higher espresso prices …
AND MASS EXTINCTIONS MOTHERFUCKERS. NOT JUST OF LUCKLESS POLAR BEARS AND SYMPATHETIC GIRAFFES. OF YOUR SPECIES. YOUR FUDDLED WHITEBREAD CULTURE. THE DESSICATION OF YOUR BREEDER SEED UNTO THE SEVEN THOUSANDTH GENERATION YOU WITLESS RIGHT-WING TOOLS.
Oh Spanky that sounds near serious. What are the chances that we can hit that 2050 target in time to save the whales?
–Well, mildly sad to say Ari, it looks like it might be a toughie of a row to hoe, a political non-starter because of the stranglehold of fossilized metaphors, fuels, and power structures in this miraculous quixotic world we live in.
We should hasten to point out in the interests of journalistic integrity that Exxon, who knew about this before we were born, is a gold sponsor of NPR and pays your entire salary as well as mine. Please, go on.
–Well i would, good sirrah, but we are out of time and have to play an underwriting announcement about how green a company they are and how much they care about trees and shit.
NOT ON MY TIME YOU SIMPERING OVERLOADED BAGS OF
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