Start it out with orchestral Superbowl music over talking candidate heads. Woo! or something.

OK Sandersboomer: Won’t socialism crash this great economy? Bernie: great for who, wench?
MiniMike waves his hand. Putin loves you Bernie. The Bern smacks him back with being China’s bitch.
Warren: Bernie is winning because this is a progressive party at the grass roots. But I’d be a better President (it’s a canny approach). Bernie trashed me. (What?)

Pete says Russia wants chaos, and Bernie is a pawn for that game. I am the low blood pressure candidate.

Steyer: Bernie is right, except for his solutions.

Biden: Bernie is soft on guns and hard on O’blamma.
Bernie gets a laugh in response by noting that he seems to be the focus. Pete flutters until they call on him and whimpers about getting called on his billionaire friends.

Blacks. Biden? Um, i’m not fading THAT fast. I work like the Devil. I’ll win.

Stop and Frisk. MiniMike tells a bunch of straight up fucking lies and notes how many black endorsements he’s bought. Jesus.

Pete, you suck with blacks too. Does Bloomberg suck worse? Yes, and I will thoughtfully note that none of us are black.

Minimike: Opportunity is racial. Amy: Yes Mike sucks; here’s an inspiring quote about black people.

Warren: Mikey bought Lindsey Graham’s seat and a bunch of other Repubs too. He funded against me in my Senate race, too, so he’s dead to me and completely untrustable to the voters.
Mikey: I’m a genius pick. Of course you can trust me. Warren: Fuck this prick. He told his employee to abort. Mikey: Nuh-uh. Warren: And NDAs too. Mikey, what about the "jokes"? Well, my yes men could only find 3 wimmenz with a problem. Warren: I said release all the NDA. The crowd gets restless and the mods quickly move on.

OK Sanders, where do we get the money? Where I always said. Amy gets picked to shit on him and every dick piles on led by Petey. The mods rule he gets more time and he lays it out golden, then everybody yells again. Tom? Well Sanders is a DemSoc and Bloomie is a Repub, so I’m scared.
Pete says Trump will win unless you vote Pete. Biden, whoa, whoa. Steyer is bad and fuck you Tom don’t shush me you johnny come lately. Everybody keeps yelling and Amy yells loudest. Unity! There must be fucking Unity! Behind me and not Bernie ahhh!!!

They pass it to Minimike. Something about corrupting the right people. If you don’t elect me, catastrophe. Bernie: Bloomberg’s biggest supporters are fellow billionaires. Warren: progressives are popular, but I’m better than Bernie (this is her new mantra it seems). I want student loan relief too. Child care. All that shit. Please vote for me. I’m a good person. Really.

Break.

Guns. Biden says he got bans and the NRA is a bag of dicks. General yelling and Warren wins–the filibuster is deadly and so is that bastard McConnell.
Bernie, why are you pro-gun? What the fuck, I’m D- with those NRA bastards. Bloomberg says he’s the one to fix guns. Amy says she closed the boyfriend loophole and Joe says no that was my bill. This is stupidly ugly. Pete: I want to filibuster because Bernie is bad.
Tom: Term limits!

I have to say I’m bored as fuck with this mash-up of bullshit.

Schools.
Bloomberg, how about those charter schools for white people? He’s for it.
It sounds very much like he’s got a dozen paid yahooers in the audience.
Warren: Fuck Betsy DeVoss. Bernie: Kids need health care, and PUBLIC free schools from age zero to the BA. Pete says teachers buy their own pencils and have to be shrinks.

Major The Mod brings Twitter questions.
Housing for Amy. She is for roofs. For kids. Especially here in Carolina woo. Biden’s all pissed ’cause the mods ain’t modding and Liz just keeps talking over him. Mikey, Warren said you’re a liar. Mikey says harrumph redlining. My fellow contestants and a stupid joke about the people who lost worse than him in NV. Oh and he’s all gay marriage.

Biden, how about those black men like me the mod? Biden says he’s practically black himself Fuck gentrification. I’m not gonna shut up.

Steyer says he’s pretty black too. Where my reparations at?

Mod tells people to shut the fuck up and fly right. Now. Amy. Health care. Right, mod, I have a folksy midwestern plan that fits on a post-it note.

Petey blurts some bullshit about how place and race ddn’t used to be linked and starts waxing melanin progressive.

Bernie. Race. It’s about funding. All the health cares. Petey tries to shit on him but the girlmod is on it and tells him to shut up.

Bloomberg: Yes I will keep trying to ban Big Gulps, and the stock market … dude whatever.

Why do I suddenly find this dull and even headache-inducing to listen to? Probably because my mind is way past made up.

Biden: DARPA is an agency thing, right? One o’ them for health, right? We’ll fight the Beetus and win.

Amy is for Weed even though Addicts.

Bloomberg: Yep. Addictive and also it causes brain damage. I want to let the stoners out of jail though; see I love people.

Sanders: The "justice" system is racist and so it the war on drugs. Legalize it, don’t criticize it. Indians should be selling pot so reservations aren’t so poor.

Biden: I wrote some bill about pot, but I can’t rememember what it was.

Break. I come back a little late. Foreign policy?

Bloomberg wants to keep Empire bases everywhere. Pete went to boot camp in SC, and Trump cheats on our allies., and I prefer spooks to boots. Mod smacks him down again for overtime and Joe feels justified and Amy laughs at him. For her trouble she gets some insane question about corona virus and borders.

At the end of the third quarter I’m over this, but soldiering on. Warren is on Minimike again.

Pete wants to smear Bernie with the Castro brush. Maybe he thinks he’s in Florida. In any case he won’t shut the fuck up and keeps talking over the top. Amy says fix it with me because I’m the moderate.

Bernie sings it for the Palestinians when he’s asked about being a Jew. Bloomberg, who is also a Jew I think, it for the same fascists Bernie just called out. Liz the Gentile wants to be friends with Hebrews and Ayrabs alike.

Biden gaffes about time and turns it into a sweet emotional deal for himself with humor. Deft.

Petey stomps into the international affairs segment, still trying to dig at Bernie over M4A. Tool.

Break.

"Misconceptions about You and The Words You Live By" … a heartwarming segment, they promise …

Steyer: Billionaire misconceptions. I write a thing on my hand.

Amy: That I’m boring. Motto is politics is improving people’s lives.

Biden: Knock down, gittup. And dignity. And some other stuff. Black woman on the Court. And loyalty.
Misconception is a stupid hair joke.

Sanders: Miscon is that my ideas are freakin’ radical. M4A is everywhere but here. Climate change will kill us. Mandela has the motto: Everything is impossible until it happens.
Yeah. : )

Warren: Miscon is that I’m anorexic. No, kidding. Motto is Matthew 25: Least of brethren, ya do it to me.

Petey: Miscon is that I’m mayo. I’m a super passionate guy you know. Mottoes are scriptural too. Leaders are servants. Golden rule. Right that’s not mayo.

Minimike: That I’m tall, hurr durr. Was that a motto at the end? Fuckin’ weirdo.

They stumble to a close with some other break. For commercials. Brilliant.

Okay. I’m a warrior but a warrior who has to be awake again in ten hours and I’m not home yet.

The End.