I may have ten or fifteen or twenty days. If divine luck is with me, 10-15-20 years. No guarantees.

I have been spending that short precious time wastefully and tragically.

Mayfield was in Wisconsin.

***

Leave It To Beaver ran six seasons. I was born into the middle of its run and only ever saw it in re-runs. It was pretty wholesome, by which I mean it never asked any hard questions, and ran on platitudes that were at best neutral and at the worst a kind of low-level brainwashing.

For a while there was a rumor that Beaver died in Vietnam. It wasn’t true, but I can see why someone would want to start it–it would have been a perfect metaphor.

Long after Vietnam was over, nostalgia started kicking in and there were sequels to the original show, and even ‘movies’. Hugh Beaumont, Ward the Dad, never got to cash in, but everyone else from the founding show did.

The later versions were pretty much a horrifying mix of the original insufficient values, with a thick layer of post-revolutionary cynicism slathered on top.

For example, in 1989, one of the more successful sequels had an episode where the Cleavers flashed forward in a dream sequence to the far-off future of 2014.

In this one, Eddie Haskell has gotten away with arranging a ‘boating accident’ for his wife and collecting on the insurance. His ill-gotten gains attract gold-diggers, one of which Eddie brings to the Cleaver home for Thanksgiving.

Everyone seems to be quite aware that Eddie is a murderer, but the only thing that gets said is by a much older Wally, who says to Eddie that the bimbo is just using him … as if that were the crime to be concerned about.

Eddie tells Wally: I know it, and so what, pal? In twenty years we’ll all be dead, but at least I’ll have a smile on my face.

The showrunners let that hang in the air for a moment without any challenge, and in doing so imply that this is now the moral of the Cleaver story–“Let Do What Thou Wilt Be The Whole Of The Law”. Which is of course the first commandment of Satanism. Instead of being an ugly little punk we’re supposed to hate, Eddie is now the spokesman for the show’s values. We are still supposed to hate him, but this time because he is the only one to have transcended the corny virtues of the fifties.

So I thought that was pretty fucked up,

This episode is also noteworthy for a small and very early part for the actor who would go on to become The Joker, among other things. Joaquin Phoenix is young enough to still be using the first name ‘Leaf’, for the credits.

• That’s his real life sister acting next to him.
• I’m not linking it because I would prefer you didn’t waste your time watching it like I did, but the title is there is you’re feeling the same kinds of madness I am these days, and
• If you want something slightly less toxic you might check out the story of how June and Ward met.