At ninety degrees or even a little more, the heat is fine. However, the sunlight is stronger than ever because of the Planetburn, and being out in it is a bad idea.

With that in mind, it’s a warm beautiful day.

Yesterday was Monday and it went … without incident. I was told privately, by work-friends, that they were surprised to see me, and also that I should watch my back.

Today on the warm beautiful Tuesday afternoon I started to see the outlines of what the second thing meant.

I got schooled by the new-Chair, hereinafter referred to as the Colonel, about not responding in a timely way on the google calendar thing, to not indicating my compliance and probable attendance properly.

I’m sure those are the first two items going on a list somewhere.

I don’t mind.

It’s a warm beautiful day.

***

The other antidote to fearhate is called EMDR. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

What I can tell you is that I am becoming more aware of the fact that I have trauma. I have trauma, and it is the proximate cause of the fearhate.

Last year I approached the same thing from the perspective of the body, and myofascial release of tension in the muscles.

This time it’s about the mind, and about the trauma. I don’t like being weak or seeing myself as a victim, and for a long time I’ve pushed the thought away successfully.

I’m not pushing it away anymore.

EMDR is about confronting it and fixing it.

Two links on the subject:

An Overview of EMDR Therapy – Part 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uUjXexlU8Y

ASMR EMDR THERAPY – FULL SESSION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogh9oa7ulPo

The second one is kind of frivolous and loopy, but it gives you a taste, and it’s helping me, a little and so far.

Speaking of frivolous and loopy, I said straight out yesterday, though in an ironic tone of voice, that I was voting for Marianne. The reactions all picked up on the irony part with no apparent understanding that I was telling the truth.

Sort of. I won’t be voting for her unless she reaches the General, because I’d have to re-register Dem to do so in the primary.

My vote is … cosmic.

This goes all the way back to the days when I was actively experiencing trauma.

I was a flaky liberal hippie wannabe at 15, and my icon and touchstone was the Yippie, Abbie Hoffeman.

I was the writer then too. The writer not doing a great job of being the writer then too.

I haven’t changed much in the essentials I don’t think.

The world has changed radically around me, in most ways for the worse.

The parts of me that have changed are around the edges, how I respond to the world, and how I respond to the repressed trauma being at least as strong as I am now.

What’s changed is who I am to Those People.

But that too is a pattern.

The perfect Candidate lets loose with the perfect Interview.

The Employee has no respect for his superiors.

Eventually they catch on to that fact.

Until professory, the longest I’d ever held a job or worked at a single place was three years, and even that was driving a truck, where I had virtually no contact with the Bosses.

In Webmastery and then Professory, I had respect at least for the Mission.

But that has changed now too.

That is why I am once more becoming–by my own volition, and by being set up for it–the man who is not a professor anymore.

The man standing in his own driveway, maybe even literally again.